


Life Is War

by LoneAngel



Category: The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: Angst, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Past Child Abuse, M/M, One-sided longing, Slow-ish burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-26
Updated: 2019-07-26
Packaged: 2020-07-20 01:55:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19984147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoneAngel/pseuds/LoneAngel
Summary: The world is harder, and so is love with one particular man. Rick just wants to make time to spend with his aloof second-in-command and....boyfriend?





	Life Is War

**Author's Note:**

> It has been a little while since I’ve watched the show, so some of the background information might be mixed up as far as the timeline goes. However, this isn’t super canon-compliant, so I hope you’ll forgive any mistakes along that line.

No matter how long they had been....Rick hated to put it so crudely, but fucking, Daryl still didn’t lean into his touches or come to him for, well...anything. He had come to accept that, to a certain degree. He imagined his doubts would always linger though: he was too different: he wasn’t good enough to help Daryl past his mental blocks: Daryl just didn’t find him lovable or attractive enough.  
He felt horrible even thinking it. He knew Daryl could love. He’d seen it in the the way Daryl looked at the kids in Alexandria, even if he would never get close to them. In the way Daryl smiled at secret jokes between himself and Carol. In the way Daryl took special care to find something interesting to bring back for Carl from a hunt. And yes, Rick could even see it in the way Daryl looked at him sometimes. Never while they were....doing it, but before and sometimes, rarely, after.  
Daryl could love. Just not in the way that bred those small affectionate moments that Rick ached for. Like those early mornings when Rick woke up to the smell of a hasty, not particularly well seasoned, breakfast and crawled out of bed to see Daryl bent over the stove top. He always wanted so badly to surprise Daryl with a hug from behind, but he had learned his lesson after the first time he tried it, and Daryl hadn’t spoken to him or looked at him for days. He was more careful now, but all those precious little moments of intimacy that he wanted to share with Daryl and couldn’t still haunted him sometimes. He tried to tell himself that he didn’t really mind, truly. He just treasured everything Daryl could share with him all the more. But there were some mornings when he woke up a little too early and had what felt like hours to look back on where they had been, and how far they hadn’t come in their relationship.  
It wasn’t really Daryl’s fault that he wasn’t there in Rick’s bed to kiss those worrisome thoughts away. Unfortunately, Rick didn’t have the ability to rid his brain of those thoughts by himself. Like this morning.  
He didn’t have a clock to tell him how long he had been laying there, but it was long enough that he had gotten to imagining a world where Daryl actually wanted to walk around holding hands and sharing idle kisses with him.  
He was rudely awakened from his little daydream by the sound of the one person who could have brought that daydream into reality banging pans around in the downstairs kitchen.  
He tried to hold back a sigh and failed. He rolled out of bed and dressed himself, ignoring the pang he felt at the reminders of last night that were scattered across the floor while he did so. Then it was down the stairs to the beautiful picture that would greet him as always, and this morning he almost didn’t wish that he didn’t have to announce himself, but he did. 

“Good morning.” He always tried to come up with a half-way term of endearment that wouldn’t make Daryl too uncomfortable, but he usually said the plain and boring thing before anything better came to mind. 

“Mornin.” Daryl didn’t turn around from the stove where he was burning oatmeal, didn’t even turn his head. 

Rick casually sauntered over to the coffee maker and found the pot already warm and halfway full. No mug on the counter. He had to slip past Daryl to get one out of the cupboard and today he was ready for the way Daryl pressed himself up against the stove to avoid any accidental contact.  
He filled his mug in silence, knowing to avoid any mention of the previous nights’ exploits since it would just end up being awkward.  
“Thinkin’ of goin’ on a hunt today.” Daryl said quickly, and to Rick’s almost-trained ears it sounded like it had taken Daryl some effort to break the silence.  
Rick nodded and took a long drink of coffee to give himself time to consider what answer Daryl would be wanting to hear.  
“It’s getting pretty dangerous out there, what with the migration of those smaller groups away from the city. You’d be safest taking someone else with you, in case anything happens.” That wasn’t quite what Daryl wanted to hear, he knew, but as leader of Alexandria, Rick often found himself spewing words of caution before his word filter cleared it with the rest of his brain. Predictably, Daryl made a noise of disgust.  
“I can handle myself. Taking someone else would just slow me down.”  
“Then take someone who wouldn’t slow you down.” That, at least, made Daryl look at him. His look was guarded as usual, with a hint of mild reproach.  
“Nobody can keep up and keep quiet.”  
“I could.” Rick probably said it a bit too quickly, and judging from the look on Daryl’s face he had caught on to the eagerness.  
“You really saying you think it’s a good idea to have you and me both outside of here at the same time?”  
“Maggie can keep everyone in order.” Again, he probably should have waited a second more before speaking for it to seem casual and less....rehearsed. Unfortunately, at this point, his excuses were pretty well rehearsed. Most of the time Daryl pulled perfectly valid excuses for them not to spend time together out of nowhere. But finally, with small hoards frequenting the area around Alexandria lately, he had a good reason to tag along on Daryl’s outing. He might have felt bad inserting himself into anyone else’s mission, since hunting and gathering expeditions were the rare escape from the noise of small town life that many of them craved. But with Daryl...quite selfishly, he just wanted to spend time with him without the distractions and awkwardness of people being nearby twenty-four-seven.  
To his surprise, Daryl seemed to be considering it.  
“It might be I’ll have to go way out to find anythin’ worth bringin’ back. Could take a day or so.”  
This wasn’t the usual protest that he got when he tried to go along on hunts, so it took Rick a moment to come up with a response. _Could it be that Daryl actually wanted him to come along?_ “They’ll be fine here without me for a day or so. I’m not the only one here with a brain for people to follow.”  
It looked like Daryl was going to comment on that, but then he turned away with a shrug. “Whatever.”  
Rick tried to school the look on his face, but since Daryl wasn’t looking, it wasn’t as important to conceal his excitement. Anyone in their right mind would have been scrambling to get out of a trip outside the walls that kept them safe from the undead, but he wasn’t really in his right mind. He was in love.

Arranging to leave Alexandria as the fairly newly-minted leader was harder than Rick had anticipated. In fact, it took most of the morning just to set Maggie up as temporary leader, assuage the random fears that he was leaving them for good or going to die, and make sure that someone was specifically assigned to keeping an eye on Carl and Judith. After those arrangements were made, he finally got around to helping Daryl gather enough equipment and supplies to last them for a few days, in case they were delayed.  
Daryl was none too happy about the lateness of their departure, and all Rick could think of as they walked out of Alexandria’s gate was how unpromising it was to start out their bonding trip on that note. 

The start of their expedition was quiet, but not suspiciously so. Although Rick kept his guard up as he followed Daryl into the forest, he allowed himself a few stray glances at his companion. Daryl was on full alert, so Rick never stared for long enough to be noticed, but it was hard. That vest, the way he walked, all tense and...Rick struggled to remember a time when he wasn’t enamored with his unofficial second-in-command. Although, to be fair, his type definitely hadn’t been rugged back-woods hunter before the apocalypse. 

Daryl held his hand up suddenly, and fortunately Rick was paying enough attention to stop before he ran into him. The transition from his wandering thoughts to high alert was natural at this point, and he quickly caught on to the rustling that had made Daryl go on full alert. Rick moved to pull out his gun, but Daryl reached back and touched his hand lightly to still it. They listened without moving for so long that Rick’s leg started to cramp in his half-crouched position.  
“We’re clear.” Daryl said, straightening suddenly and resuming his distracting walk. Rick looked around, feeling like he had missed the end of a promising joke, but he trusted Daryl enough to know that it was safe to walk again.  
“What was it?” He asked in a slightly hushed voice once he caught up to Daryl. He couldn’t see the eye roll, but he felt it.  
“Prob’ly a boar or somethin’. Just circled round us and kept goin’. Prob’ly didn’t even know we were there.” Daryl’s voice was clipped and even more hushed than Rick’s had been. Rick knew he didn’t like talking at the best of times, let alone on a hunt, so he didn’t comment further. 

For a long while they walked through the woods without incident. Once, Daryl shot an undead hunter who hadn’t even noticed them yet, and they had to go off course to retrieve his arrow, but that hardly even felt like an incident to Rick anymore. Honestly, it felt almost lucky to come across lone, wandering zombies. That was the perfect balance between unnaturally quiet, which usually betrayed a hidden threat, and hoards, which would be too much for the two of them to handle. 

Daryl’s posture didn’t really change until the forest came to a sudden end. The light was getting dim as the sun filtered through the trees, so Rick guessed even Daryl hadn’t noticed the break in cover ahead of them.  
“Get low.” Daryl whispered, sinking to a crouch near a big oak tree. Rick followed suit, hand hovering near his holster as he scanned the open area before them. 

A few yards away from the tree line they were crouched in, a road ran to the left and right of them. Further out was a long field of waist-high grass that didn’t quite hide the view of a small array of buildings. If there were more than just the two of them and this was a supply run, those buildings would be a good target, but for now it was too risky.  
“Hey, do you have a map or some paper?” Rick asked quietly, once he was sure that there were no visible zombies floating around.  
Daryl shook his head. “I’ll remember.” Rick shook his own head, more vehemently.  
“That would force you to go on the supply run. It’s better if we mark it down on something.”  
Daryl glared at the distant buildings in a way that made Rick think he wanted to glare at him.  
“It’s fine. I’ll remember.”  
Rick hoped that meant that he would remember its location and write it down when they got a map, but this wasn’t the time to clarify his concerns just for some peace of mind. He could nag Daryl later.  
“We should go around for now.” This time Daryl did glare at him, but half-heartedly. It really was something too obvious to need saying out loud, but since Daryl hadn’t moved, Rick had felt the need to say something. “I’ll follow your lead.” Evidently that’s what he should have said the first time, since Daryl gave a satisfied nod and began to move to their left, following the tree line.  
It wasn’t long before some tall shrubs appeared on the other side of the road, giving them sufficient cover to cross over and continue in their initial direction. The shrubs slowly transitioned back into trees, allowing them to stop crouch-walking and just walk again.  
Rick tried hard not to think about the crick in his back, since somehow that reminded him of how this trip wasn’t at all the bonding experience he had been hoping for. The sun was going down in earnest now and nothing significant had happened. Hell, they had barely even exchanged a dozen words. Fortunately, with the light fading, they would need to find somewhere to wait the night out, which meant a better chance for them to talk in a more meaningful way than whether or not they had paper. 

Since it had to be obvious to Daryl that the sun was going down, Rick refrained from mentioning the need to find shelter. It was a good thing too, since just as he was getting the urge to comment on the chill that accompanied the fading light, a shack appeared just out of their way.  
They approached it slowly, back on high alert since any sign of previous humanity could be a sign of current undead occupation. After all, the woods had been quiet for several hours, which could always be a sign of something undeadly lurking.  
They searched the shack methodically, and even though Rick had gotten training as a cop for that sort of thing, he still marveled at how naturally he and Daryl moved together. They didn’t even have to talk as they searched, always covering each other’s backs.  
Once they were both comfortable in the knowledge that the shack was theirs and theirs alone, they settled in the modest living area to eat. Rick found himself more disappointed in the lack of a couch than he had a right to be. It wasn’t even the comfort he craved, just the excuse for Daryl to not sit all the way across the room from him.  
His tried to think of something to say as they chowed down on a can of beans and some pretzels, but all he could think of was the inevitable look of annoyance on Daryl’s face if he broke the silence.  
“I’ll take first watch.” Daryl said quietly. “Bedroom’s in the back.” Rick hadn’t noticed it when they were clearing the shack, but he supposed it was too much to hope for a bed big enough for both of them. One of them needed to keep watch anyway.  
He nodded, but he realized that Daryl’s face was just a slightly bluer shadow in the darkness of the cabin so he verbalized his assent. “Okay. Wake me in two hours.”  
From the brief pause, Daryl might have shaken his head, then realized the same thing that Rick had just realized. “Nah, I can take a longer shift than that. Need to rest.”  
Rick had to hold back a sigh. “I slept in this morning, remember? We both need to stay rested, so I’ll take a longer shift.” Daryl was nothing if not stubborn, so Rick took his silence as a chance to think of how to force him to get enough sleep. Maybe when he hunted on his own Daryl could pull long shifts without sleep because he had to, but Rick wanted...needed him to know that he didn’t have to push himself so hard all the time. Especially not when Rick was there to watch his back. “You know what, I’ll take the first shift. I don’t think I could fall asleep right now anyway.”  
It could have been the rickety-ness of the shack, but Rick was pretty sure he heard a huff.  
“I’m not tired neither.”  
Rick held back another sigh, barely. “Well one of us should get some sleep.”  
“That’s why I said I would take first watch.” Rick could hear the edge of annoyance in his voice now. “Why d’ you always have to be so stubborn?”  
Rick’s laugh was sharp. “Wow, you’re calling me stubborn? That’s cute.” He was almost surprised to hear the lack of humor in his own voice. Heck, he sounded more annoyed than Daryl.  
“Don’t call me cute. You’re one of the dang stubbornest men I ever—“ Rick couldn’t be totally sure which one of them had crossed the room, but suddenly they were kissing, his hands on Daryl’s face, on their knees in a rickety old shack in the woods with danger lurking all around.  
Daryl shoved him away as if he hadn’t started it and Rick began to wonder why he would have kissed Daryl at just that moment, but then Daryl shoved him again and he was back to annoyance.  
“The hell...” Daryl growled, and Rick was tempted to shove him back. He didn’t though.  
“What the hell?! Why’d you call me stubborn, kiss me, then shove me like that?” He said indignantly, barely remembering to keep his voice down.  
Despite the empty space between them, Rick could still somehow feel Daryl tense up. “I’m goin’ to bed.” The sound of Daryl’s booted feet walking out of the room made some small part of Rick’s self control snap. He jumped up and followed him into the bedroom.  
“Hey!” This time he didn’t keep his voice down. “You don’t just get to walk away, Daryl Dixon. I’m not done and gosh darn it, this time I get to say my piece. You know I love you, I’ve made that quite clear, but I’m tired of you running away every damn time you don’t want to talk to me. I don’t know what you want to call this thing between us, but whatever it is needs to start having some communication in it or I quit.” Rick wasn’t quite sure if his words had drawn the oxygen out of his own lungs, or Daryl’s, but the whoosh was undeniable.  
“You could just quit on me?” It didn’t really sound like a question, which forced Rick to think harder and longer than he should have. “It’s done, then, if that’s what you want.” The guarded pain in Daryl’s voice shattered his own blinding resolve.  
“I’m not quitting on you Daryl. Damn it, even if I wanted to I could never quit on you. Stop thinking whatever you’re thinking.” Rick rubbed his face roughly and blinked at the darkness. “Daryl, I can feel you thinking. Stop it. I’m just...” His brain did a quick replay of everything he had just said and guilt dragged his heart into the ground. “Look, I just want you to be happy and I just feel like what we have....I’m not making you happy. And you deserve to be happy. I really believe that. So if I can’t make you happy, then you deserve to find someone who does.” He stalled then, all words melting out of his head as his ears strained to find Daryl in the dark. “Daryl?”  
The softest little sound, a sniffle. Somehow Rick didn’t think anything else could have broken his heart like that did. He moved forward blindly, but for such a small shack, the room seemed to be nothing but empty space.  
“I never...” Rick froze to catch every broken word. “I can’t love you like everyone else loves. I wanna try, and I do try really, really hard, but—“ A sudden sob cut his sentence off and Rick reached out again, hoping against hope that he would feel Daryl. It was just the edge of his shirt, but Rick’s fingers tightened and yanked Daryl into his arms to wrap him in the fiercest hug.  
“I do love you, Rick.” Daryl mumbled softly, arms pulled tight around himself despite Rick’s embrace.  
Rick tilted his head back to blink away the sudden tears in his own eyes.  
“I know you do.” He put everything he couldn’t find words for into the hug and when Daryl’s head leaned into his shoulder he hoped the message was understood.  
After a moment, Daryl’s shoulders got a little more tense again and Rick took that to mean that the hug was over. He released his grip and took a small step back, though he couldn’t quite bring himself to break all physical contact; he kept his hold on Daryl’s vest. “I’m sorry. I never meant to put you on the spot like that. You really are the man that I would gladly wait forever for if that’s what it takes.” He could feel the faint movement of Daryl nodding his head.  
“C—can I go to bed now?” Daryl asked, in the softest voice.  
Rick nodded his head. “Yeah, sure.” A tiny, familiar ache entered his chest, but his heart was back in his chest and he knew that at least he was back in familiar territory. 

Rick retreated ever-so-reluctantly back to the common room of the shack, but his thoughts were racing too much for him to even sit.  
It had to be several hours before he even thought to wake Daryl up for his shift. His thoughts hadn’t slowed that whole time, but he couldn’t have said what he was thinking about: it was all a jumble. Mostly he felt bad for losing his self-control and putting Daryl in an uncomfortable position in the first place. Which made it even harder to wake him up. 

He shook Daryl’s shoulder lightly and the immediate shift from relaxation to tension in Daryl’s body told him that he had woken up. “You good to take your watch?” Rick asked, needlessly. He knew Daryl would never say no to a question like that.  
“Uh huh.” Daryl slipped past him without another word and his footsteps faded into the hallway. Rick sighed softly and fell into the dusty cot. It was warm. His throat got thick with emotion as he thought of his bed at home and how he really didn’t like sleeping alone. How unfair it felt that he got most of Daryl’s warmth second-hand, like from this bed. Daryl wasn’t in the bed with him, but his woodsy scent and his warmth were. Somehow that was enough to lure him into slumber.

When he woke up, it wasn’t to Daryl’s face above him. It was because of the creeping light of dawn seeping more through the cracks in the walls than the dust-coated window. He laid there for a moment, waiting as his senses came back to him and all at once he jumped up in panic, grabbing his gun from the nightstand he didn’t remember leaving it on and running into the common room. The front door was open, sending another bone-chilling prickle of anxiety through him. He stepped out, gun cocked and held tensely in front of his body as he scanned the foggy woods for whatever threat had dragged Daryl away. Light footsteps crunched closer around the side of the shack and Rick moved to meet it.  
Daryl’s hands went up and his body stilled as he waited for Rick to stand down. It felt like forever, watching his own hands lower the gun inch by inch.  
“Where were you?” It was too accusing and Daryl’s defenses visibly went up.  
“A man’s gotta piss.” He said, which didn’t satisfactorily explain the blood on his hand. Lucky for him, he noticed Rick’s gaze before Rick had to ask the question. “Shot a squirrel for breakfast. Saw a faucet out here, but it doesn’t work.”  
Rick tried to replay that explanation in his head until his body stopped buzzing with adrenaline.  
This time, he was the one that walked away without a word. 

Daryl made a small fire in one of the back rooms of the shack to cook the squirrel on since it was safer than an open fire outside. Rick sat on a stool in the common room, trying hard to force his edginess down. After last night he wasn’t quite sure where he stood with Daryl, not to mention, his adrenaline rush immediately after waking up had skewed his mood. Fortunately, when Daryl appeared with a roasted squirrel in hand, he felt some of the edge rub off. After all, they had done this a dozen times before Alexandria, when their group was just the handful of them that felt like family. Granted, Alexandria was starting to feel like home, but it wasn’t quite the same when he saw the members of their original group so rarely. It was incredible to think that the time they had spent wandering around, homeless, in constant fear for their safety, had become a homey and almost fond memory. At least, today it was.

They ate in silence, and this time Rick didn’t think he could have come up with anything to say if he tried, so he didn’t try. After breakfast, they headed out without a word, and walked until noon. By then, Rick had decided that he didn’t like feeling awkward in the silence, so he went back to trying to think of something not dumb to say. That seemed harder today, but it wasn’t as hard as feeling every second of the silence between them like it lasted forever. 

His thinking was interrupted by the hideously familiar sound of an undead banquet happening somewhere over the ridge that had slowly risen to their right. He watched Daryl’s body language carefully so he wouldn’t miss the cue to either do a sneak attack, or just sneak past. Daryl kept going, head ducked low, so Rick followed his lead and, not soon enough, the disturbing noises were behind them. 

Rick had just fallen back into his own thoughts when Daryl motioned that he had found the place where he wanted to camp out. Rick nodded and held out his hand to take Daryl’s rucksack so he could climb to a better vantage point. Before Daryl could climb up a tree, though, Rick pulled out a can of tuna and held it out to him. Daryl made a face, but tucked it reluctantly into his belt and started the climb. Rick huddled down in a small ditch nearby and the long wait began.  
Unlike those mornings where he had nothing better to do than imagine all those precious moments with Daryl that could never happen, sitting in the ditch kept him surprisingly entertained. Once their initial passage had been forgotten, lots of small forest creatures started wandering around. A few bunnies learning to forage, two squirrels playing chase up and down trees, and a pinky-finger-long centipede that, quite frankly, got too close. And finally, a deer. Even though he knew it was coming, he felt a little pang as the crossbow thrummed. As ever, it struck its target, and Rick got the chance to stretch his stiff legs as he retrieved the carcass.  
He flashed a look up at Daryl on his return to his ditch with the deer slung over his shoulders, but, ever the watchman, Daryl’s eyes continued to scan the forest floor around them.  
Rick settled back into the ditch with the still-warm body of the deer beside him, trying to prepare himself for another long wait. To his relief, the crossbow thrummed before he had even spied its target, but he saw the second deer fall. He retrieved that one too, and as he came back he saw Daryl waiting at the foot of the tree with the first deer already situated on his shoulders and his rucksack on his back. Once Rick grabbed his bag, they were on their way, home bound. 

It seemed rather pointless, now that he thought about it, to come all this way to kill some deer when there were still deer closer to Alexandria, but Daryl always insisted that the distance was worth it. To be fair, the undead were more of a bother closer to the settlement, and hunting inevitably took longer when zombies were likely to contaminate any prey that was shot down before it could be retrieved.  
It was a shame though, to have so much space all to themselves and no actual chance to do something interesting with it. 

The shack turned out to be a good mid-way point from the hunting ground to Alexandria. They reached the shack with their catch just before dark, with the addition of a few squirrels and a rabbit that Daryl had spied on the way. They left the two zombies where they fell, though; only with new holes in their skulls.  
They ate one of the squirrels for dinner. It was another borderline awkward meal, and Rick was getting anxious to repair whatever damage he had done last night, but no bright ideas had come to him.  
“I’ll take first watch.” Daryl said, waiting once again until they were done eating to speak. Tonight, Rick just nodded and got to his feet with some effort. He tried to reassure himself that it was a lack of sleep and not any lack of ability that made him feel so stiff and drained.  
“Goodnight.” He said, going for the slightly risky decision to give Daryl a kiss on the forehead before he went to bed. To his surprise, Daryl stood up and gave him an almost shy kiss on the lips. Rick smiled for the first time that day and went back to the bedroom before he could ruin that perfect moment. 

That night he felt more of the lumps in the bed and smelled more of the dust, but he still fell asleep with the faintest hint of a smile on his face.  
When he woke up, the room was still dark so he couldn’t be sure what had woken him until a rough hand covered his mouth. He flinched and moved to resist until Daryl leaned in close and whispered, “There’s a group moving past. Few of ‘em are at the door. I reckon they smell the deer.” Rick nodded and Daryl pulled his hand back as they both moved silently towards the front of the shack.  
Sure enough, the sounds of shuffling and moaning came clearly through the old wooden door, but Rick saw that Daryl had already moved a few of the random pieces of furniture in front of the door as a barricade. Still, they both stood at attention; Daryl with his bow, and Rick with a thick piece of wood that Daryl hadn’t used for the fire that morning.  
It felt like hours passed where neither of them moved, but it must have been shorter than that since it was still dark when the sounds faded away and Rick only realized how tense he had been when he relaxed.  
“I’ve got the watch.” He said quietly, and Daryl probably nodded before heading back to the bedroom to catch a few hours of sleep. 

The morning light came too soon, even for Rick. When he got up to go wake Daryl, he found that sitting on the bare floor was still better than walking around. He was so tired that when he reached the bedroom, it was honestly tempting to fall onto the little cot behind Daryl and let the both of them have another hour of sleep, but Daryl woke up before he could actually do it.  
Daryl rolled over and squinted at him, looking as tired as Rick felt.  
“Is it time to go?” He asked, a slight frown in his tone. Rick startled slightly, more lost in thought than he had realized.  
“Yeah, time to go.”

It was an unspoken agreement to forego breakfast in the hopes of reaching Alexandria before noon. They headed out on high alert, but there was no sign of their late night visitors.  
The foggy, dewy early morning atmosphere shifted slowly as the sun rose through the trees. Even so, the morning seemed to drag on, just like the miles. Finally, the trees started to fade into shrubbery and the crouch-walking through the shrubs became an extra burden with the added weight of the deer on their shoulders. Fortunately the road and nearby field were just as deserted as they had been when they came upon it the day before, and they were back to the repetitive landscape of the forest without incident. 

Finally, with the afternoon light taking over, the walls of Alexandria came into view. Rick felt relieved, which was really the exact opposite of what he had been wanting to feel at the end of this outing. To be fair, his relationship with Daryl wasn’t the kind of relationship where they went on intimate outings, and the middle of the apocalypse wasn’t a good time to go on intimate outings anyway. Still, it was nice to imagine that some day romance and privacy would make a comeback. 

Glenn was standing watch at the gate as they walked up and even from several feet below him, Rick could see him glowing with pride. That was a good sign that Maggie had handled things as well as he had expected her to in his absence. Glenn even came down from his perch, despite the fact that one of the Alexandrians had already opened the gate for them.  
Rick swung the deer off of his shoulders and onto the ground and waited for Glenn to get close enough to say whatever he had to say.

“I see the hunt was successful. Any unexpected...delays?”  
“Nothing we couldn’t handle. I’m guessing things went well here?” Rick asked with a grin. Usually he would have been on edge, needing to know everything that had happened while he was gone, but Glenn’s cheerful presence really told him all he needed to know.  
“Yep! Maggie handled everything perfectly.” That was concerning.  
Rick frowned. “Handled everything...?”  
Glenn hesitated. “There was a small...breach in the back wall. Someone wasn’t at their post when they should have been so no one noticed at first, but we handled it. Actually, Maggie handled it with a spear. No one was seriously hurt, and no one was bitten.” Glenn said, watching Rick’s expression warily.  
Rick tightened his jaw and didn’t say anything. It was obviously a relief to hear that the situation hadn’t gone too far, but that meant that he hadn’t done his job in securing the perimeter before he left. He should have noticed that the wall needed extra reinforcements. “Who wasn’t at their post?”  
Glenn quickly caught on to the tone of his voice. He exchanged a nervous glance with Daryl, who hadn’t moved from his spot a few feet away. “It was one of the Alexandrians. But Rick, you can’t go too hard on them, they’re still figuring out how we do things. And anyway, they’re the one who raised the alarm and got Maggie there in time to take care of it.”  
“I want to talk to everyone. Now.” Rick said, too frustrated to feel bad that Glenn was the undeserving target of his frustration.  
Glenn just nodded as Rick walked away. Daryl hesitated for a moment, then dropped the deer he had been carrying and followed Rick. 

Rick was quite sure he didn’t want to yell at Maggie, but he still found himself on her doorstep with anger running through his body like wildfire. He didn’t even have to knock for the door to swing open to reveal Maggie herself.  
“Rick, I’m guessing Glenn told you what happened. I want you to relax, I already talked to them and it won’t happen again.”  
“I want to talk to everyone. There’s no excuse for anyone being late to their watch, or for leaving a watch before their replacement gets there. That kind of behavior could get us all killed.”  
Maggie put a pacifying hand on his chest. “I know Rick, and so do they, alright? Anyway, you can’t talk to them like this; you’re both covered in blood.”  
Rick startled slightly and looked down at himself, half wondering if he had been injured and forgotten about it. It was just deer blood, though, soaking through his shirt. “It’s not mine.”  
“Then the hunt went well?” Maggie asked, looking to Daryl. Rick imagined it was a ploy to distract him, but a small part of him was thankful. He wasn’t in the mood to be a hard-ass leader.  
“Nothing we couldn’t handle.”  
“Good,” Maggie nodded. “Then you two should go get cleaned up. I’ll see that your catch gets into food storage. And Rick, it’s no good talking to anybody until you calm down.” Rick nodded reluctantly and turned to go.  
“Maggie,” he stopped and looked back at her, “I really do appreciate you stepping up. It’s good to know that Alexandria has you.” _In case something ever happens to me or Daryl._ He left the last part unsaid, but from the solemn way she nodded, she heard it anyway.

The house was quiet and still. Judith was probably with Carol, and Carl would be off doing whatever teenage boys did in the apocalypse. Rick usually tried not to think about what that might be.  
It was normal for the house to feel a little foreign and strange after he spent some time outside the walls, but he might have been gone for weeks instead of a couple days with just how strange it felt. Daryl looked equally uncomfortable as soon as they walked through the door, but that wasn’t unusual. 

“You can shower first.” Rick said, even as he led the way upstairs, stripping off his blood-soaked shirt as he went. Daryl probably nodded, but Rick wasn’t looking at him. Daryl grabbed a shirt and jeans from his small section of spare clothes in the closet, then headed for the bathroom. He hesitated in the doorway.  
“Hey...do you.....” Daryl took so long to finish the sentence that Rick turned to look at him, one eyebrow raised.  
“What, join you?” Daryl looked down, embarrassed, and barely managed a tiny nod. Rick chewed his lip, considering. He still felt too fired up to relax, and he knew that wasn’t good for Daryl to be around, but it was such a rare invitation. Actually, he couldn’t remember a time when Daryl had ever invited him to join him in the shower; it was always Rick doing the inviting. “Sure, why not.” He quickly finished picking a shirt out of the closet and went to the bathroom, stopping short when Daryl didn’t move out of the doorway. His natural protectiveness over Daryl seeped in through his hard shell of frustration. “Are you okay?” 

Daryl blinked quickly, like he was trying to get rid of the thoughts in his head and moved into the bathroom, all without looking at Rick. “Fine.” He mumbled a moment later, before starting to strip off his own blood-wet vest. Rick nodded, working to get out of his own head enough to guess at what was bothering Daryl.  
He had stripped down to his boxers before anything occurred to him. “Hey, do you actually want me to shower with you, or do you just think that’s what I want?”  
Daryl stopped moving, even though he was in the middle of taking off his pants. Rick reached out and grabbed his jaw to turn his head, trying to be gentle. “Daryl, is it what you want or what you think I want?” He asked again, watching Daryl’s eyes closely for any flicker of an answer.  
Daryl hesitated, then shrugged out of his grip. “Dunno.”  
Rick sighed softly. “Would you be more comfortable if I waited outside?” He asked, even though he hated to offer it. It was so rare for him to feel like Daryl actually wanted his presence, and it was really nice, but the last thing he wanted was for Daryl to feel like he had to force himself to do something just because Rick wanted it.  
It took a long time, but Rick found the patience to wait quietly until Daryl finally nodded his head. At the risk of sounding peevish, Rick left without a word, making sure to close the bathroom door softly behind him.  
The shower turned on as Rick flopped onto the bed in nothing but his sweat-damp underwear. He laid there for a while, thoughts wandering randomly. Being rejected by Daryl was so familiar at that point that he hardly noticed the painful tug in his chest that told him to go back into the bathroom and join Daryl anyway.  
Soon enough the shower turned off and the bathroom door opened to a dripping wet Daryl holding a towel modestly around his waist. “Shower’s yours.” He mumbled, retreating back into the bathroom as Rick stood up.  
The bathroom wasn’t even steamy when Rick went in, but his toes had gotten cold, so he immediately turned up the hot water and got into the shower after stripping his boxers off.  
It took quite a bit of self control to not stare as Daryl dropped the towel and hurried into his clean underwear. Fortunately, the warm water felt really good, so it provided a decent excuse to not stare at the scars on Daryl’s back. He always wanted to kiss those scars and tell Daryl how beautiful he was, but Daryl never wanted to talk about it. It was another thing Rick knew he shouldn’t be pushy about, but at the same time, he hated the thought that Daryl was ashamed of those scars, and his past. Rick just wanted him to feel safe and loved, no matter what bad things had happened to him in his childhood, but he didn’t know how to do that without words. 

Daryl was starting to gather up his dirty clothes and prepare for a quick escape, so Rick ducked out of the water stream and held out a hand. “Hey.” Daryl looked up, slightly less startled than he might have been to see a ghost. “Come here.” Rick clarified, since his outstretched hand hadn’t sent a clear enough message. Daryl tucked the dirty clothes tightly under his arm like a lifeline and stepped close enough that Rick didn’t quite have to step outside the shower to kiss him lightly on the temple. “I was thinking, do you want a safe-word?” Daryl furrowed his brow and almost stepped back.  
“That’s for kinky stuff.” He said, sounding confused.  
“Well, usually, yeah. But I would feel better if I knew that I wasn’t forcing you to do anything you didn’t want to do. So I figured if you have a word, a safe-word, you can use when you don’t like something or don’t want to do something, then I know when to stop. And I noticed you don’t really like to say no, so maybe it would be easier for you to say something like pumpkin, or—”  
“Pumpkin?” Daryl actually laughed at that. “What, so I get uncomfortable and I just yell ‘pumpkin?’”  
Rick chuckled and pushed his shoulder lightly. “You wouldn’t have to yell it. And it wouldn’t have to be pumpkin. It can be any word you want. What do you think?”  
Daryl looked away, considering. “Maybe...that might make it easier. How about squirrel?” Rick smiled faintly.  
“Squirrel it is.” Daryl nodded and pulled back. He stopped in the doorway, almost looking like he wanted to say something, but then he just left. Still, Rick felt better. He realized that he probably should have figured out the whole safe-word thing a long time ago, but since Daryl seemed to like the idea, he was hopeful that it wasn’t too late to try it out. 

He took longer in the shower than he meant to, but it was nice to get lost in the soothing water running through his hair and drumming away the tension in his shoulders. By the time he was dressed, the fading sun had darkened the bedroom, but otherwise the room was empty. He trotted down the stairs, hoping to find Daryl. Instead, Carol was in his living room bouncing Judith on her knee. 

“Hey Rick,” she said, looking up at him with a smile. “I heard from Glenn that you and Daryl were back, so I thought you might want to see Judith.”  
Rick smiled and scooped Judith into his arms. “Hey, little one. Thanks Carol, I really appreciate it. How was she?”  
He zoned out as Carol answered, wondering where Daryl might have disappeared to.  
“That’s great. Hey, have you seen Daryl?” When she didn’t answer right away, he looked back at her to see a knowing look on her face.  
“Rick, you weren’t even listening to me tell you about Judith.” Rick smiled sheepishly, but part of him couldn’t help but wonder if that made him a bad father that he cared more about the whereabouts of his aloof lover than how his child had been while he was gone.  
“I’m sorry, Carol, I just—“  
“All I know is that Maggie saw him walking towards the back wall. Don’t worry, the builders have been working on reinforcing the breach all day.” Carol said, probably in response to the look on Rick’s face.  
“Would you mind watching Judith for just a little while longer?” Rick asked, already holding Judith out to her. Carol took her graciously. “Thank you Carol, I really appreciate it.”  
“You already said that, Rick, but you’re welcome.” She said with a charming grin.  
Rick tried to get out some sort of apology before he went outside and started the too-long walk to the back wall. He was sure Daryl could handle himself, and he trusted Maggie to see that the wall was properly repaired, but he realized he would have been much less worried if he had just checked on the repairs as soon as he heard about the breach. Then he wouldn’t need to hurry now to ease his worry.

Luckily, as the back wall came into view it was evident that Maggie had thoroughly seen to the repairs. Several workers were still nailing boards across a tall sheet of metal to hold it firmly in place. Rick held back once he saw Daryl standing quietly beside Rosita, who seemed to be acting as overseer of the repairs.  
He breathed a quiet sigh of relief and forced himself to stay back. The last thing he wanted was for Daryl to feel like Rick was constantly hovering nearby. He trusted Daryl to take care of himself, it was just hard to trust everyone else to take care of Daryl sometimes.  
As he watched, Daryl shifted on his feet and took a half-step back from Rosita and Rick was prepared to swoop in a save him from his discomfort, but Rosita patted his shoulder gently and stepped away first. Daryl turned and started walking, and Rick’s stomach did flip-flops when a smile appeared on Daryl’s face when they made eye-contact.  
Daryl gently bumped his shoulder and Rick turned and started walking alongside him.  
“You satisfied with how the repairs are coming?” Rick asked, knowing that the security of the walls was one of the responsibilities that Daryl was most comfortable with as unofficial second-in-command.  
“Looks fine. I’ll walk the wall tomorrow, inside and out..see what I can see.”  
“You know that’s usually my job,” Rick said, knowing better than to have his feelings hurt. Daryl knew he was thorough, but sometimes the only way to ease his fears was to see it for himself. Rick could understand that well enough.  
“You can come,” Daryl said with a shrug.  
“Squirrel?” Rick asked, watching his expression carefully. Daryl grinned a tiny grin and shook his head.  
“I’m sure you’re gonna feel better seein’ the wall for yourself, same as me.”  
Rick nodded, smiling at how well Daryl understood him, even if he didn’t like to admit it sometimes. 

The smell of something cooking greeted them before they even walked inside their house. Carol had secured Judith in a hanging baby seat on the kitchen island and was thoroughly involved in a pot on the stove.  
“Carol? You really don’t have to cook dinner for us.” Rick said, going over to Judith and mussing up her light brown hair.  
Carol looked over her shoulder at him and smiled. “Well, a woman’s got to eat, but there aren’t any rules saying she has to eat alone. It’s spaghetti, I figured you wouldn’t complain.”  
“Well, you got me there.” Rick smiled and flashed a look back at Daryl. He had made it through the doorway and closed the door, but his eyes were moving uncertainly between Judith and Carol. Rick went over and placed a chaste kiss on his lips, stopping Daryl’s reaction of pulling away until he relaxed into it. “It’s okay, it’s just Carol.” Rick said softly, cupping his hands around Daryl’s face. Daryl nodded slowly and when he pushed Rick’s hands away from his face, it wasn’t out of panic.  
“Hey, have you seen Carl today?” Rick asked Carol, moving back over to the kitchen island. She shook her head.  
“You know, he has a friend in that new girl, Enid. They spend a lot of time together. I’m sure they’re fine, but I doubt he’ll be back in time to join us for supper.”  
“How do you know so much, Carol?” Rick asked with a teasing smile.  
Carol just rolled her eyes. “Spaghetti is ready.”

Dinner was quiet, despite Carol’s skill at keeping the awkward silences to a minimum. Judith provided some entertainment with her noodle flinging, and with how hungry he and Daryl were, it didn’t take long for their plates to empty. Since Carol had cooked the food, Rick insisted on doing the dishes, so Carol took her leave.  
Daryl stepped up with a drying towel, but Rick had a suspicion that was simply to avoid being left at the table with Judith. Still, it went faster that way, and Rick went from cleaning the dishes to cleaning Judith’s face. Daryl kept his distance and since Rick still wasn’t sure how to help him feel more comfortable with kids, he didn’t bring it up. 

“Alright, this sleepyhead is clean. I’m going to put her to bed, you want to come?” He asked Daryl, watching the conflicting emotions race across his face.  
“Nah, I’ll stay here.” Rick nodded and made his way upstairs to change Judith into her jammies and lay her down in her crib. Soon he would have to find a bigger crib for her, or just a bed, but hopefully it wouldn’t hurt to delay that errand until things quieted down outside the walls. Lately, it was better to avoid taking vehicles out whenever possible, and it wasn’t exactly easy to fight off zombies while carrying a toddler bed. He kissed her forehead gently, closed her bedroom door even more gently, and made his way back downstairs.  
True to his word, Daryl hadn’t moved an inch from where he had leaned against the kitchen counter. Rick felt like he should say something, but he wasn’t quite sure what, which left him standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, looking at his hands.  
“I suppose we should get some sleep too. Might turn out to be a long day tomorrow,” he said, feeling every bit the over-concerned leader.  
Daryl straightened up and crossed the room, eyes downcast, but wandering. Rick wasn’t quite sure what to expect, but suddenly they were kissing, Daryl’s hand on the back of his neck, warm and rough. Rick leaned into the kiss, letting Daryl take control for a moment. Then he pulled back enough so that his hands could find Daryl’s shoulders to pull off his vest and work at his shirt buttons. Daryl easily gave up the lead and simply kept a hand on Rick’s side so that the contact between them wasn’t broken.  
Suddenly, Rick thought of the fact that Carl wasn’t home yet, but might be soon, so he took Daryl’s wrist and led him up the stairs and into the bedroom.  
Taking a bit of a liberty, he pushed Daryl back on the bed and continued to undo his shirt with expert fingers. Their lips met again as Rick quickly took off his own shirt and started to work on his belt buckle. Daryl’s hands strayed across his torso with surprisingly light touches that drove Rick crazy. He moaned needily and pushed on Daryl’s chest until he moved further back on the bed and laid down. He could hear the ragged gasps of Daryl’s quickened breathing and he smiled in the knowledge that he had done that. It was always a heady feeling to affect Daryl like this.  
He pulled off Daryl’s jeans with a sharp tug and threw them on the floor, then climbed onto the bed with his body weight held a comfortable distance above Daryl. He lowered his head for a gentle kiss, then turned his attention to scattering kisses along Daryl’s jawline, down his neck, across his chest. Daryl flinched and made a sudden noise when Rick’s wandering hand found a scar just above his hip bone.  
“Relax.” Rick murmured quietly, laying a gentle hand over the scarred patch of skin. Daryl’s breathing pattern shifted and he squirmed uncomfortably. For a moment he was concerned that Daryl wouldn’t remember to use the safe-word if he needed it, but a glance into Daryl’s eyes showed that he wasn’t totally freaking out....yet.  
He pressed his hand more firmly to Daryl’s side. “Roll over.” He wasn’t quite sure if a part of him was trying to test Daryl’s limits or not, but after a moment of stiff hesitation, Daryl maneuvered onto his stomach underneath him.  
Rick started with a soft kiss on each shoulder, trying not to be put off by the way Daryl’s whole body had stiffened like a taut bow, and not in the good way.  
He ran his hand lightly over Daryl’s back, taking a moment to trace some of the more noticeable scars with a reverent touch.  
“Stop,” Daryl choked out, twisting sharply and arching his back.  
Rick moved off of him immediately and Daryl curled into himself, eyes squeezed shut, breathing labored.  
“Hey...hey, don’t shut down,” Rick gently reached out and touched his face, his hands. “It’s okay, I’m with you and nothing bad’s gonna happen. I promise.”  
Daryl shook his head slightly. “I’m okay, I just need a sec...” he whispered, making an obvious effort to relax his body. He breathed out shakily and reached out a hand to feel Rick’s chest, his heartbeat. Rick moved closer until the warmth of their bodies mingled again.  
After a moment of just laying next to each other, Daryl took a deeper breath and stretched out again. Rick waited for a moment to see if he would take the lead, then hooked a leg lightly over Daryl’s hips.  
“You good?” He asked, brushing a gentle pattern over Daryl’s hand that was still pressed against his bare chest. Daryl nodded, face turned up towards the ceiling. Rick pushed himself up in a quick, fluid motion and interrupted Daryl’s moment with the ceiling. “Hey, I asked if you were good. I need you to say it out loud.”  
Daryl’s eyes focused on his in the faint light and he nodded again. “I’m good.” Rick nodded and let a quick smile rest on his lips before they pressed back against Daryl’s. Slowly, he worked his way down again, taking extra care to press a kiss on the scar just above Daryl’s hip. He used a free hand to pull Daryl’s boxers down as his kissing path moved down and Daryl made a greedy little noise that made him grin.  
He took his time exploring, but when Daryl made that noise again, he found that he couldn’t wait another second. “Roll over.” He said again, voice husky with a need that the rest of his body already betrayed. Daryl was much quicker to obey this time and Rick basked in the trust that evidenced. This was the part they had done a hundred times, but he hadn’t noticed how much better it was with Daryl’s trust until now. 

Afterward, Rick’s whole body had melted into nothing and he didn’t even try to move for several long seconds. Daryl didn’t seem to mind Rick’s body weight pressing him into the mattress and he didn’t even show any signs of life until Rick rolled off of him, when he gave a small moan.  
“Where’re you going?” He protested, but Rick just chuckled softly.  
“I’m not going anywhere,” Rick slid his hand over and linked their fingers. “Go to sleep.”

The next morning woke Rick rudely with a beam of light on his face and the sound of breakfast being made downstairs. He gave a long, loud groan and rolled over to smush his face into the pillow without opening his eyes.  
A deep chuckle came from somewhere to his right. “Do you always look like this in the morning?” He smiled at Daryl’s voice and lifted his head enough to peak one eye open.  
“Wouldn’t you like to know. Where were you?”  
“I had to pee.” Daryl looked sheepish, but Rick couldn’t imagine why.  
“That all? You’re not running out on me?”  
Daryl shook his head, crawled under the covers and gave a satisfied sigh.  
“Nope, not running out.” He pulled Rick’s outstretched arm across his stomach and curled into Rick’s still-bare chest.  
Rick smiled and nodded. “Good. I like you right here.”  
“Who do you reckon is makin’ breakfast?” Rick smiled into the pillow.  
“What happened to not running out on me?” He could sense Daryl’s grin.  
“I’m just curious is all. Reckon it will smell pretty good in a while.”  
“And until then, you’re not going anywhere.” Rick tightened his arm to prove the point.  
Daryl smiled, shifting as close to Rick as he could possibly get. “Nope.”


End file.
